Forgive

I've been taking some "me" time lately...it's been nice. And with time on my hands, well, my head goes to lots of colorful places. :) I have been hoping, with all the hope one can muster up, and checking the mailbox and looking at the phone, that an opportunity of a lifetime will come my way!! But until then, here I sit. But I need to prepare. I've already considered all of my options with what to do with my car, pets, clothes, guitar - well, wait, the guitar will be going with me - and well, everything else in my life. But I still need to do one more thing before embarking on the next stage of my life....

I've met a lot of people in my short years of life thus far. And many have stayed with me, as our friendships have grown closer and closer. I am truly blessed. But there are some that have come into my life - for whatever reason - and are now no longer - for whatever reason. And I am no longer in theirs. Somewhere along the way, things went bad. I really do try to see every side of every situation. I have this curse of completely understanding where the other person is standing, and their position on our "misunderstanding." And I take full responsibility in my part of the "break-up." So here is where I falter...

Although I can understand their side, and have realized that I probably won't ever forget, I can't seem to forgive. Not just them, but myself as well. So, this is my next step in this whole idea of going "beyond." Ok, I never expected to have to face this, until this wonderful blog (I'm being sarcastic) that I have created. But I got thinking, and realized that this WOULD fit in to the "beyond" category, and it's probably something I should do, so I can start fresh in the next stage of my life...

So I have laid down my weapons, and my pride, and have come to peace with the past. I forgive those who have hurt me (I will keep those names to myself). They did what they had to do, or at least the only thing they knew to do.  I have also found a way to come to terms with my own faults, mistakes, hiccups, etc. I'm not perfect. Nobody is. And sometimes, I have felt so much, that I mess up. I've hurt people, though never intentionally tried. But none the less, I have. I have said things to people that I really shouldn't - I seem to have a problem with holding my tongue when I get all worked up over something, that now, looking back, I should have just walked away.

So I guess I have gone "beyond" now...beyond what I was planning, or thought I could do. I am my own worst enemy at times (well, a lot of times), but I forgive myself. I can only do what I can do. And I can only be who I am. And I want to be better. And that's good enough for me. I am hoping to start a new life, in a totally new way, with the past as it is, knowing that lessons were learned, rules were broken, and my life was affected. In the end, I gave my all...I gave my heart. That's what's most important to me.

And to quote a new song I just wrote with some amazing writers, JP Williams and Lizzy McAvoy:

I know my heart gets in the way

Sometimes my pride comes out to play

I stay too long when it's best to walk away

But hey, I'm just human 

:)